Who would win? Locally based kiwis or A-League Socceroos?

It was a dark and stormy night. (Editor's note: it wasn’t).  

I, Dan Moskovitz, a professional unemployed journalist, was suffering from writer's block.

So I turned to the place where all the reasonable ideas come from; twitter. After a shameless beg for help, suggestions were sent in. @RyansRovers proposed choosing a New Zealand and Australian XI of only locally based players. Meanwhile @theotheroliver recommended siming a game between North Island and South Island players on Football Manager. Using my three brain cells in a move of total genius, I merged the two ideas. I would sim a match between a local (plus Australia) Kiwi XI and an Australian side of A-League players. 

I’m well known for my cold takes, so who did I pick for these two sides?

NZ:

Goalie: Stefan Marinovic

Defenders: Liberato Cacace, Tim Payne, Te Atawhai Hudson-Wihongi, Dane Ingham 

Midfielders: Alex Rufer, Clayton Lewis, Marko Stamenic

Attackers: Kosta Barbarouses, Callum McCowatt, Marco Rojas 

For the record, Mako Stamenic did actually recently return to Denmark. Given my dedication to the facts, I was clearly born to be a journalist. 

Aus:

Goalie: Andrew Redmayne 

Defenders: Scott Jamieson, Alex Grant, Alex Wilkison, Rhyan Grant 

Midfielders: Luke Brattan, Riley McGree, Dimi Petratos 

Attackers: Bernie Ibini, Mitchell Duke, Jamie Maclaren 

Yes, these picks are absolutely atrocious.
After some guidance on how FM works from Sam Smith (thanks Sam) I set myself up as manager of both NZ and Oz. With the next available FIFA window being March 2020, I simmed my way into a pandemic-less future. God, if only... Given I was now in alternate 2020 I figured it might be worth checking out what could have been with the A-League:

Perhaps the weirdest thing about this universe is the media clamouring for Michael McGlinchey, a player who has barely appeared for the Central Coast Mariners IRL, to be called up. In alt-2020 he is somehow the A-League’s Pogba. Unfortunately video games aren’t real life, so I dutifully ignored WeeMac.

The media also decided to be rather nasty to me about some of the players I cut from my squads to make room for the A-League stars. Reportedly some guy called Matthew Ryan should have been called up. No wonder the media is a dying industry.

But no plan survives first contact with the enemy. There were two snags with the Kiwi squad. Both Clayton Lewis and Callum McCowatt were injured. I was cursed by the Random Number Generator God. A slow realisation dawned on me. Completing an article such as this one requires sacrifice. 

Reader, Total Football tends to get around 150 unique visitors to each of our articles. So the only natural course of action was to spend seven dollars on the Football Manager editor. Reader, I am still yet to make a single cent off my writing. Reader, I don’t even play Football Manager anymore. 

Reader, acknowledge and praise my commitment.

In universe McCowatt and Lewis had sudden shock recoveries from their injuries. It was widely and correctly attributed as a miracle from God. 

Seven bucks down the drain, it was time to get cracking. Time for the real work to begin. I chose some preset tactics after realising I didn’t actually care enough to make a good tactic. That and I don’t know how. I’m not very good at Football Manager. Regardless this is what we ended up with:

I’ve talked to the media. I’ve called up the players. The build up is finished, it’s go time. Unfortunately, pre-game I didn’t take advantage of my godly editor powers and forgot to make everyone’s stamina 100%, resulting in Barbarouses and Rojas starting the game with about 70% stamina. A broken leg is but a flesh wound, right? 

I put Slice Of Heaven on repeat, ramped up my Kiwi patriotism and started the game. Let’s go All Whites. 

The game started off with Australian dominance. Dimi Petratos had a shot crash against the crossbar in the 4th minute. Riley McGree also tested Stefan Marinovic early. But in the 14th minute the breakthrough occurred. Following a corner Scott Jamieson sent in a cross and Bernie Ibini was there to put it past the goalie.

Top 10 photos taken moments before disaster

Aussie dominance continued unfettered, so the second goal was a matter of when, not if. Once again a full back would be NZ’s undoing, with Rhyan Grant’s 37th cross causing an Ibini header from impressive range to sail past poor Marinovic.

Stefan is really impressed with the quality of defending here

It was almost one way traffic. Almost. Callum McCowatt had a couple of chances which he really should have done better with. In fact, it was hair pulling territory as the young striker missed harder than my jokes.

Easy right? Easy

Nope

Ok, this time.

*Long suffering sigh*

McCowatt’s misses were the only real chances NZ had. Australia was still well on top, and Ibini was still hunting for the hat trick. In the 43rd minute, an opportunity was offered up on a golden platter. Dane Ingham took out Jamieson in the box.

“Oh, GOD DAMNIT DANE!” - Stefan Marinovic, probably

Bini naturally stepped up to take. This was his moment. This was his time. He ran up, full of confidence and gave the ball a pathetic love tap. Seriously, this was perhaps the worst penalty I’ve ever seen on FM. Marinovic barely had to move a muscle.

 “Here you go love,” - Ibini, probably

In fact, that rubbish penalty actually saw NZ get their first shot on target. Marinovic was able to spark a counter-attack from his save, and Lewis’ effort from 25 yards out meant Andrew Redmayne had something to do for the first time. Callum, you could learn a thing or two. 

Still, Australia were well and truly the better side going into the break. Something needed to change for NZ but I refused to pick substitutes for this match and didn’t feel like managing. The All Whites were on their own. 

Shockingly, nothing changed. In the 58th minute the lethal combination of a full back crossing to an attacker punished NZ again with Jamieson again giving Jamie Maclaren a headed goal. Justice for Macca really. He would have put away Ibini’s stupid penalty…

 Marinovic is tired of this sh*t

Shot after shot peppered the NZ goal and only that beautiful man Stefan Marinovic was preventing things from getting embarrassing. Without him, Australia could have hit double digits. New Zealand would manage one more shot on target thanks to Kosta Barbarouses but the Aussies were never in danger. The fat lady sang and it was Australia 3, New Zealand 0.

*Sad trombone noise*

After too many screenshots and the loss of seven dollars, I had done it. I had completed Ryan’s Rover’s mission and discovered who would win in a local trans-tasman derby. And in all honesty, I was surprised to see such a comprehensive Aussie victory. I had a lot of hope in this NZ side. 

But just to top it all off, FM had one last little nugget for us.

       Jai, you didn’t even play…